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| I've been gone for so long. Gone from myself. I used to matter, but at some point my world stopped. I held my breath and took everyday like the next blow. I feel it still, months later, an unwillingness to let go, and yet I have and I've started over. I'm learning again what I thought I already knew.
With him gone and now her gone too, I will try to bring myself back. It won't be easy, my faith has faltered and I have fallen, but I know there must be a plan.
"Lord let me live so I can make you proud again"
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| you have been the oneI have a song stuck in my head. It’s every word is what consumes me each day. I hope that he means every word, not that it was a convenient choice because it makes me cry, gives me chills, and consumes me. It could be my death march anthem.
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| over.Usually when I write a post I write it in Word so I can easily spell and grammer check it before I post it here. I'm not doing that tonight because I feel like being utterly cavalier. Jon and I broke up and half the time I'm happy with my decision and half the time I feel like I'm falling apart. The evenings are the hardest. I know that giving up at this point and calling him would be the worst choice. I feel like with significant work our relationship could be saved, but for now I know we should be spending time apart. Rather than calling, I've been writing him letters that explain the ways I'm feeling and the thoughts I've been having since the break-up. I wish there were an easier way. I know that I could go back now and things would most likely be ok, but I'm scared that they'll go back to the same way they were before. I can't imagine having these painful feelings all over again. | | |
| of that i am sureWhy is it that I am ok with everything during the day but as soon as nighttime comes I fall to pieces? I’ve gotten to the point where I can casually tell people that my mom is going to die, but I can’t sleep at night. I decided to see a counselor as I’ve had success in doing so in the past, but my insurance doesn’t cover it. I can pay full price, see no one, or pursue group therapy through the American Cancer Society (something I’m not sure I could deal with). I need my faith to return. I’ve relied on the prayers of others for too long.
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| Kids say the darndest things!I was working tonight and approached one of my tables to refill their drinks. The little boy turned to his mom and said: "Mommy I have to go potty." Her reply was "No you don't." He said, "No Mommy I have to go poop really bad!" She turned bright red and I had a hard time not laughing. | | |
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