iheartmacncheese's Xanga

Monday, May 04, 2009

Mon, 04 May 2009 04:44:56 GMT

I've been gone for so long. Gone from myself. I used to matter, but at some point my world stopped. I held my breath and took everyday like the next blow. I feel it still, months later, an unwillingness to let go, and yet I have and I've started over. I'm learning again what I thought I already knew.

With him gone and now her gone too, I will try to bring myself back. It won't be easy, my faith has faltered and I have fallen, but I know there must be a plan.

"Lord let me live so I can make you proud again"

you have been the one

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 05:07:39 GMT

I have a song stuck in my head. It’s every word is what consumes me each day. I hope that he means every word, not that it was a convenient choice because it makes me cry, gives me chills, and consumes me. It could be my death march anthem.

over.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:27:13 GMT

Usually when I write a post I write it in Word so I can easily spell and grammer check it before I post it here. I'm not doing that tonight because I feel like being utterly cavalier. Jon and I broke up and half the time I'm happy with my decision and half the time I feel like I'm falling apart. The evenings are the hardest. I know that giving up at this point and calling him would be the worst choice. I feel like with significant work our relationship could be saved, but for now I know we should be spending time apart. Rather than calling, I've been writing him letters that explain the ways I'm feeling and the thoughts I've been having since the break-up. I wish there were an easier way. I know that I could go back now and things would most likely be ok, but I'm scared that they'll go back to the same way they were before. I can't imagine having these painful feelings all over again.

of that i am sure

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 06:20:19 GMT

Why is it that I am ok with everything during the day but as soon as nighttime comes I fall to pieces? I’ve gotten to the point where I can casually tell people that my mom is going to die, but I can’t sleep at night. I decided to see a counselor as I’ve had success in doing so in the past, but my insurance doesn’t cover it. I can pay full price, see no one, or pursue group therapy through the American Cancer Society (something I’m not sure I could deal with). I need my faith to return. I’ve relied on the prayers of others for too long.

Kids say the darndest things!

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:44:41 GMT

I was working tonight and approached one of my tables to refill their drinks. The little boy turned to his mom and said:

"Mommy I have to go potty."

Her reply was "No you don't."

He said, "No Mommy I have to go poop really bad!"

She turned bright red and I had a hard time not laughing.

truly living

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:49:46 GMT

I’ve been gone for quite a while. I don’t know if you’ve been checking in from time to time or not but I haven’t been keeping up with anyone that I used to. There are many reasons that I haven’t been updating. Besides the obvious, I have been living a completely different lifestyle. Rather than sitting in front of a computer for at least 8 hours a day, as I was when I was living in New York, I tend to turn my laptop on once or twice a week to check e-mail and fiddle around in iTunes for a bit.

In the last almost two months my life has been turned upside down. I spend a lot of days fighting to find a balance between truly living and doing what I should. I hate that I’m waiting tables yet again. And even though I know that it isn’t true, I feel like a failure coming back home.

As far as my mom goes, she has good days and bad days. I’m so thankful that I have this time to say good-bye, but it’s more painful than words can describe.

adjusting

Sat, 31 May 2008 18:36:45 GMT

I’ve been back since Wednesday night and the trip was such a difficult one. I woke up feeling really sick that morning. I’m not the type of girl that slows down during that time of the month, not at all. That day I would have completely stopped life if I could have. I had boxes that I needed to take to the post office. I didn’t even do that and I’m still working on a way to get those things back. My roommate came home from work early that day to help me get everything done and she ended up staying with me to wait for the Super Shuttle…which was an hour and fort-five minutes late picking me up! The driver drove like a crazy man to get us all to the airport on time. I was so scared and for the first time in my life, I logged a complaint against someone. I made my flight, boarded the plane, and then we sat there on the runway waiting to take off for over an hour.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to do now. I’m definitely having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I’m not going back to New York…at least not anytime soon and not to live. These huge adjustments in my life are causing me some big stress. I know that everything will work out and that these changes will be for the best, I just have to remind myself of that like 9,000 times a day.

The End

Tue, 27 May 2008 12:36:27 GMT

First of all, I totally forgot to upload my camera this weekend. In fact I forgot I even promised to post a picture of my elephant. I will though, I promise!

I was really busy this weekend. Jon flew in on Friday and everyday was really packed with stuff to do. Saturday we spent the whole day outdoors. We went to some of my favorite places, Fort Tryon Park and Inwood Hill Park, Five Guys Burgers, and Central Park. Then Jon kept me company while I did some laundry and packing and we ordered in Chinese food.

Sunday morning we went to a huge combined service at the church and out to lunch with my Growth Group (Bible-study group). I had a great time with them but ended up crying like a baby when we said our good-byes. I’ll miss them all so much! Jon had really wanted to see the Bodies exhibit at the South Street Seaport. We went, and really enjoyed it, although I fell apart in the respiratory system section. People must have thought I was insane, but oh well.

Then yesterday, my roommate invited us to her family’s home on Long Island for a barbeque. There was so much food and it was a great way to send Jon off…with half of my belongings in tow.

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I can’t believe that today is my last real day in New York. I’m at the office and I have so much stuff I have to tie up, but no desire to move. The girl taking over my position seems to think that my job is so easy, she has nothing to discuss with me. I think I’m just going to type up a list of things that she needs to do because my boss is being aloof and isn’t giving me much to do anyway.

I have been trying for the last few weeks to sell my dresser, nightstand, air conditioner, and bed, but I have been completely unsuccessful. I was really hoping to make a bit of money off of those things, since I don’t want to ship them.

Tonight and tomorrow morning I will be packing and cleaning like its my new hobby and tomorrow night I will be in Phoenix for good. Somehow I’m missing New York already.

borderline obsessed

Fri, 23 May 2008 16:42:29 GMT

Work has been really boring today. No one is here and the phone hasn’t rang because everyone with any sense at all has taken today off. To pass the time? I made a pushpin elephant on my cubicle wall. Picture to follow.

future

Thu, 22 May 2008 13:17:23 GMT

I’ve been trying to write for the last couple of days. In fact, I’ve started several different posts intending to, you know, post them. I think it’s because my life is in such a state of flux, that I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I also feel a desire to talk about something other than my mom, even though the situation has consumed my thoughts. I just want you to know, even though you haven’t heard me talk about it, in the last few weeks I’ve had a lot of fun. I got to go home and see my sister graduate, I went out with old friends and had a blast at a skeezy bar, I’ve been to two baseball games, and I got a pedicure with my mom. It’s hard to write about these carefree experiences when I have such a heavy weight on my heart.

My mom’s illness is not the only stress in my life. In less than a week I will be moving back home after living in New York for almost two years. That alone is causing me a lot of stress. I feel in a way like I haven’t progressed since I first left home just after college. This is all not to mention all of the packing and planning I need to do even though it’s the last thing on earth I want to be dealing with right now.

In September I will be turning 25. I will most likely still be waiting tables. I have been wanting to go back to school. I’ve been planning to start studying for the GRE to get into grad school. Then a week ago, my mom threw a kink into my plans. I was driving her to a doctor’s appointment and she asked me why I wasn’t planning to go to cosmetology school. When I was in high school that was all I wanted. I wanted to do hair at a fancy upscale salon. When my dad got wind of this he started to make fun of me and say that I would never make anything of my life with that “career choice”. He slowly shamed me out of the idea and it had honestly slipped my mind. Somehow remembering that this was something I had wanted has caused me to be even more confused.